I want to go home. I’m over this shit. So completely done with this. If I ever come to New York again I will not be living in these conditions. I need to be able to live on my own if I’m going to live in this city. Not with toxic girls who I don’t fit in with.
I think at one point in my life I gave up on all things creative for fear I was never good enough at anything. I was too afraid to show people what I would produce and I never got better. I was never driven by either parent to explore my creative side. Now it seems to be all I want to focus on.
Getting to the point where I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I need a change. This is definitely not healthy. I need to find balance and peace of mind again.
I used to not give a fuck because I was apathetic. Now I don’t give a fuck because I realized shit doesn’t matter. I feel so free not living up to peoples’ standards. Sometimes I feel the pressure, I won’t pretend like I don’t, but compared to high school and even six months ago, I feel way better with my outlook on everything.
The sadness is back. It comes late at night and digs a deep hole in my chest. I think about him mostly. How he fills the hole. He’s not here anymore and it breaks me into little pieces inside but my skin and bones hold everything together. Is the weather making me feel this way? I need to find out why the sadness is back. I was doing so well. I really don’t understand.
In case anyone ever decides to read what I have to say, I guess I should start with an explanation as to what this blog is about.
I’m a 19 year old female currently living in New York City. I want to document my thoughts, feelings, and experiences I have along the way and so I thought blogging could be beneficial.
This site will range from random rants to photographs to poetry. It will be very random and for my own personal benefit. Writing has always been cathartic to me and I want to continue writing and documenting things.
I will also be keeping this blog anonymous.